


Adequate

by Cereal_at_2am



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dissociation, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Nightmares, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unsympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), drug overdose, oof, the others aren't really unsympathetic but you'll see what i mean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27607036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cereal_at_2am/pseuds/Cereal_at_2am
Summary: He knows it's not healthy to keep almost everything to himself, however, it's not exactly easy to open up either.Janus feels overwhelmed.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	Adequate

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags.   
> Also, sorry about this one.

Janus was a prideful creature. One that knew what it was doing, anyone to tell you otherwise, would have to be lying. 

Janus is the sense to drive you to self-preservation, a vision of the past, present and future. A position of power, with the ability to lead you to a way of living a life of fulfillment, or a life in misery, if he changed the direction.  
Janus had the power to decide wether or not to tell you how to practice self-preservation, in a way he had their lives in his hands, and anyone to tell you otherwise would have to be afraid of the truth.

Janus was also deceit. And he could tell you whatever he wanted about anything he wanted. Leaving you to wonder about the legitimacy of his words.   
He was the impulse to say you're fine, when in reality there was nothing farther from the truth.   
Did you write your assignment? Yes. (I'll do it later.) Did you steal her pen? No. (would he make you say, but you actually don't remember if you did. Maybe you did by accident. You don't know, but that's not an acceptable answer.)   
Deceit makes it easier to protect yourself, not from accidents, not from natural disasters or diseases and injuries. Deceit protects you from losing your reputation, your name, your status, your place in society. The place that keeps you so safely in chains. He was born to learn its dance well. 

Janus was denial. It is okay the way it is.  
They didn't mean it like that. You'll get around to it eventually. It didn't happen. It's only going to take five minutes. You didn't think they would be capable of doing such a thing. You have no fault in this, you weren't involved. You know nothing about this topic (nevermind the days of research you did about it that helped you conclude you knew nothing). 

Janus was okay. He lived in the dark, and when the blinding light up with the others ever bothered him, he would tell you nothing about it. He stayed silent, in omission, when the others lived their lives like it was simple, like they were never truly in danger, like they had nothing else to worry about. 

It left a bitter taste on his tongue. He shouldn't say it, he knows. This family is broken enough, even if the others don't realize it. 

To lie and deny and know what to do, you'd have be able to know all truths and the truth is he should stay quiet.   
Because apparently this is the only way they'll learn. That doesn't make it any easier.

"I think I need help." _I can't carry this job alone anymore_ , he doesn't say out loud. 

The others stopped arguing about whatever they were discussing. (pointless conversation, they are all walking in circles. So, so loud.) They knew his name, but no matter how meaningful the reveal might have been, nothing's really changed at all. 

"...what?"

That caught them offguard. What he said doesn't contribute to any of their topics. Out of nowhere, leading to a future only he could see. 

"What... what do you need help with?" 

Janus saw curiousity, and only the slightest bit of concern. He could tell them. He knows he should.   
About how he can't sleep at night, because the world is unpredictible, and unforgiving and his words don't always serve as a shield (They might get hurt if he can't do his job).   
About the mornings and days that get harder and harder to embrace (Nothing has ever cost more energy). About how he can't breathe when his mind goes blank because there is nothing he can use to protect and save Thomas from something deadly and invisible.   
He is not anxiety, so he doesn't panic, he shouldn't be able to. Janus thinks he does anyway. 

Janus thinks he cannot practice what he preaches. He thinks that despite all of his jobs and purposes, that were made for him, that he was made for, he cannot do it. Janus knows he should reach out, it is what he would, and should, do.   
He is the advocate for mental health, but also a snake who bites and lies.  
Not telling them goes against what he is. Not telling them is exactly what he was created for. 

"I need help with the dishes." he ends up saying, cringing all the while. 

The concern seems to leave them, confusion the only thing in front of him.   
Janus moves through the others, to the sink in the kitchen niche. 

The light sides watch him start cleaning the dishes. Patton hesitantly moves to assist him.   
And despite the sheer weirdness he seemed to cause, Janus managed to diffuse their stupid fight. They didn't seem to remember what they were fighting about anymore anyway. 

"Are you alright?" Logan asked him the next day. It seemed like yesterday was still happening. Though what is time but an illusion, right? The days blend together, they were all one for him.

He should tell them. Someone. He knows he needs to. But he doesn't know where to start. Talking is a tall order and Janus only has enough energy to slowly shake his head. 

The logical side seemed to expect something else. Like an 'I'm alright', 'I'm doing perfect.' or something cryptic. Logan sat down next to him, a frown on his face. 

"Is something ailing you?" 

Is it? He doesn't know. Yes it is. But what is it? He doesn't feel adequate. Or happy, is he supposed to feel happy, isn't it reserved for Patton, the heart and morality? Is Janus supposed to feel, is that another one of his jobs? 

Janus nods. He thinks something is wrong with him. He should know what is going on, it's in the job description. He doesn't feel like the same person he used to be.   
Janus loved doing what he did. He loved messing with the others, he loved dressing up and playing games, he loved making decisions and keeping loved ones safe, even if they never saw it that way. Janus loved to be himself.

Now Janus only saw the fire and chaos outside and wondered if today was the day it'll all end.   
He didn't want Thomas to die, he didn't want the others to die, he didn't want to die. 

But Janus thinks it's not in his hands anymore.

Logan puts a hand on his shoulder. 

And only then did he notice that he started crying. Janus is losing more than he was willing to risk. If they knew him, if they were this close, and they could read him, and see his secrets, then how could he do his work?   
Janus would become useless, he can't hide anymore, he can't fulfill his purpose, he can't keep anyone safe, not when he couldn't even keep himself safe. He can't see the dangers anymore, his sight of the future was fogged, and memories turned dark.   
Janus was scared, more so because he thinks he's not supposed to. 

Who was Janus Deceit Sanders?

"I think you need to talk to me, I'm afraid I can't help you otherwise."

"I don't think you can help me anymore."

Logan's frown deepened and he seemed to consider something. Janus can't figure out what the other is thinking and he hates himself for it.  
"Janus. Can you wait here for a minute, please? I'll be right back."   
The logical side got up and left the deceitful side's room. 

Right after Logan closed the door behind him, Janus got up and locked it, wiping away his tears.

He revealed too much. He let someone see him cry, see him be what he really was. Weak, not able to do his job properly. 

They were going to discard him. 

Janus felt himself start to panic, and was faintly aware of the knocking against his door. 

"Janus."

His breathing turned painful, and he couldn't seem to slow down. He knows he needs to. He can't.

"Janus? Open the door!"

That wasn't Logan. That was virgil. Janus gripped his cape desperately, the room was spinning. 

The knocking turned to slamming when he dropped to the floor. He thinks they heard him.  
It was too loud. 

"Goddamnit Janus, I'm going to break down this stupid door!"

That got Janus' attention, but instead of unlocking his door and letting anyone near him, he stood up. Too fast and he almost crashed back down to the floor. And he ran to the attached bathroom, locking yet another door behind him. 

Who was he without his secrets? Who was he without the distance between himself and the world? Who was he without his walls? Who was he without control? Who was he but a crying mess on the bathroom floor, gripping his hair trying to will his silly little problems away. He wished he could pretend nothing was wrong. He wished he could deny his way out of admitting he needs help.

He wished it wasn't his job.   
He wished he didn't have to wake up every day to say things he regrets, to do things he regrets, he wished he could just stop waking up and ruin lives. He wished he could stop waking up.

It was a split decision, he didn't think about it, wasn't planning it. He was scared, panicked, ripped of rationality and any sense of preservation. The voices outside of his room seemed to scream, too loud. He couldn't handle it anymore, he refused to.  
Janus realized he had lost himself. 

He grabbed whatever pills he had stored in the cabinet, didn't even check the labels, and threw them all in his hands. 

A loud crash outside was only followed by more slamming on doors. 

"Janus, please!"

Janus realized Remus was probably feeding off of his thoughts. Virgil must sense his panic. Patton must feel his distress. Logan might know what he's about to do. 

Janus swallows the rainbow mess of pills all at once, without an ounce of hesitation. If this doesn't end him, then maybe it might just make him sleep, he hoped, because he knows he couldn't watch their reactions.   
(He hasn't slept well in a while.) 

The drugs seemed to take effect surprisingly fast, and the snake-like side could only slowly place himself on the floor, his stomach and chest screaming in pain.  
His vision goes dark and the last thing he sees is another broken down door, and a blurry swirl of colours, and then he's out.


End file.
